


Truth in Television Soaps

by cresselia8themoon



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Crying, Domestic, Filipino Soap Operas, Gen, Screaming, Soap Operas - Freeform, crying while screaming, dramas, no singing tho but that would make it so much better, so much melodrama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-24 21:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14364039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cresselia8themoon/pseuds/cresselia8themoon
Summary: Perry and Heinz give foreign dramas a try. Really, everything is just one big soap opera with these two.





	Truth in Television Soaps

**Author's Note:**

> So, my mom watched a lot of dramas back when we used to have her Filipino channels (she has switched to streaming on the Ipad thank goodness). For my readers who have never seen a Filipino soap opera, just know there’s a lot of screaming, crying, and catfighting. The majority of dramatic moments are so overacted that it becomes hilarious.

“So, what did you think?” Heinz asked as Perry put the borrowed boxset of El Matador de Amor on the shelf. “Selena deserved so much better than Jose. He completely shirked his duties as royalty just to go bullfighting! She deserves a guy who’s actually ready for a commitment.” 

Perry nodded, though privately he felt that the plot with Selena and Fernando should’ve taken a backseat to the intrigue of Esmerelda falling in love with the corrupt police chief’s son, Juan, who used the nickname El Matador when in the bullfighting ring to avoid being caught by his father. 

“So then I was thinking, if this is how engaging a Spanish drama is, there’s gotta be some gold from other countries,” Heinz continued, handing Perry a brightly colored DVD case. The title was in a foreign language. There were two women, one in a wedding dress, tugging a man between them with angry looks on their faces. “I was thinking of going for Italy next, but Philippines works too. One of my neighbors ordered it, but it got delivered to my door by mistake. But hey, I’m not turning down a free opportunity to watch something I’ve never heard of before.” 

Perry folded his arms. 

“Sheesh, you good guys have to be so uppity about this whole stealing is wrong thing,” Heinz complained. “I’ll give it back after I watch it.” 

Shaking his head, Perry grabbed the delivery information off the table and shoved it into Heinz’s hand. Then he forcefully pushed him out the door. 

“Alright, I’m returning it! I’m returning it, hold your horses. Or tail. I don’t know why we even say that when there aren’t any horses around here. At least let me check the door number first,” Heinz said. “And quit shoving. That’s just rude.” 

Perry stopped pushing, figuring that he’d better start setting a precedent for being the good guy. 

Heinz checked the paper, then pointed down the hall. “Oh, it’s just two doors down. At least we don’t need the elevator. That thing is slow even on the best days.” 

He knocked on the door, tapping his foot as he waited. Perry could see him mouthing numbers as an excuse to dash away if no one answered in the short timeframe Heinz was giving them. 

Finally, a man in a white undershirt opened the door slightly. He didn’t bother unlatching the chain. “Oh, it’s you. The crazy neighbor,” he mumbled. “Whaddya want?” 

Heinz made an indignant noise at being called a ‘crazy neighbor’, so Perry gave him a nudge to remind him of why they were there. Better to just get this done and over with. 

“A DVD was delivered to my door by mistake. Something from the Philippines,” Heinz said. “I was gonna keep it for myself, but my former nemesis is now forcing me to return it cause that’s in the good guy manual. Apparently.” 

“Tom? Who’s that?” a woman called from inside the apartment. 

Tom paled, quickly checking over his shoulder. Then he dropped a ten dollar bill through the crack. “That money is for keeping quiet. My mother ordered that DVD, but I don’t want any of that trash anywhere near me,” he shuddered. “Take those and leave. Now.” 

“Is that my DVD?” the woman asked. “I’ve been looking forward to watching it….” 

“Just a salesman! It’s nothing!” Tom called to her. Then he shook his head, glaring at Heinz and Perry. “Well, get out!” 

The door slammed shut. 

Heinz grinned, scooping up the ten bucks triumphantly. “Wow, I guess this good guy stuff pays off. Literally! Can I get a rimshot?” he asked. “C’mon, I deserve a rimshot for that pun!”  

Perry didn’t mention that the money was only a bribe. But it was definitely one of the strangest bribes he’d ever seen. While Heinz gloated over his victory as they headed back to his living room, Perry couldn’t help but wonder if the show was as bad as Tom claimed it would be. 

* * *

Three hours later, they were sobbing into tissues while Angela claimed she didn’t really love Manuel, and that he was an emotional crutch while her poor family tried to scrape up enough funds to send her ailing father to the United States for a life-saving heart transplant. 

“How could she say that?” Heinz cried, blowing his nose loudly. “He was loving and supportive! If she doesn’t stay him, he’ll have to go back to his arranged marriage with Emilia!”

Perry wiped away a stray tear. Sure, there was a bit more screaming than necessary, but a good chunk of the dialogue was understandable to him and didn’t require any subtitles. 

Though he found Angela hard to enjoy since she kept wailing like a banshee at the drop of a hat. Her reaction to discovering that her beloved necklace was stolen was so overblown that Perry had to bite back the urge to laugh since Heinz was so invested in the story. 

But Manuel’s actor was decent. 

* * *

Heinz didn’t have a scheme lined up on Saturday, since they’d planned to begin the 3-part finale. Brightly colored tissue boxes covered the coffee table. 

Perry figured he’d better start doing some research to find a foreign drama that wouldn’t be an emotional trainwreck. He could handle a few crying spells, but it happened so often here that he just didn’t react to it anymore. 

Besides, he doubted this was healthy for Heinz. 

Heinz popped the DVD into the player. Then he grabbed a tissue box and settled next to Perry on the couch. “I’m really glad Manuel gave Angela the money to cover the cost of the transplant. I mean, he may be a rich pretty boy but he’s got a heart at least. Though the guy needs to grow a spine to Emilia and her domineering mother. It’s kinda obvious they just want his money. You’d think he’d pick up on that.” 

Angela was excited to finally be marrying the love of her life, while Manuel was a bit more pensive as his best friend helped him with his tuxedo. So far, eight minutes without crying and screaming. It was a new record. 

_“We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Manuel Jonah Salonga and Angela Mary Quinto,” the priest announced to the crowd at the church. “If there is anyone who objects to this marriage-”_

_“I OBJECT!” a furious woman with her hair spilling out of a messy bun stormed down the aisle, her equally severe mother behind her. They glared furiously at Angela, who quickly grew teary-eyed at having her perfect day ruined by unstoppable envy._

Heinz gasped, his hands flying to his mouth. “You go away, Emilia!” he shouted. “You always ruin the moment!” 

Perry lightly smacked his leg to keep him quiet so he could hear. 

_“Emilia, please-”  
_

_Emilia cut Angela’s choked cry off, her face completely red with rage. “Please?” she scoffed, cruelly mocking her. Her voice rose to a fevered pitch. “Please what? Please don’t ruin my wedding! Please give me my necklace! Please don’t kiss my crush when I haven’t made a single move and have done nothing to claim him! Let’s get one thing straight here, poor, naive, precious Angela.”_

Heinz and Perry were both on the edge of their seats.

_Angela trembled from head to toe as Emilia approached her with a malicious smirk. “You are nothing but a lowly maid girl. Manuel only pities you.”_

_“That’s not true!” Manuel protested, when the mother suddenly shoved him to the ground._

_“Do you really think you have a choice in the matter?” the mother hissed vehemently. “You are marrying my daughter. It was decided long ago. Boys, surround him. Don’t ruin his face.”_

_A group of men surrounded Manuel, completely cutting off his access to Angela._

_“ANGELA! ANGELA! DON”T HURT HER! SHE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO YOU!” Manuel screeched.  
_

_“MANUEL!” Angela wailed._

Honestly, Emilia was standing on the edge of the stairs. Just push her down, Perry thought. She was completely open for an attack. 

_Emilia laughed. “You see? And you want to know something else?” She leaned closer to Angela so that her mouth brushed her long, black hair. “I stole the first stack of bills you peasants bent your backs to earn to send your father to the states.”_

Heinz gasped. “I knew it was her! I told you so, Perry the Platypus! And you didn’t believe me! See, I can be right sometimes! Take that!” he gloated loudly. Perry threw a pillow at him to shut him up so he could hear. 

Which wasn’t necessary, since Angela was now screaming loud enough to wake the entire Tri-State Area. 

_Angela’s face contorted in rage. “YOU ALMOST KILLED MY FATHER! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A GOLDDIGGER! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A STUPID, JEALOUS GOLDDIGGER!”_

_She slapped Emilia across the face, her head turning from the force of impact._

Heinz cheered. “Yeah! Let her have it, Angela!” 

Perry threw another pillow. Heinz glared at him for that one, but his attention quickly returned to the TV. 

_The congregation was silent. The mother’s eyes bulged out comically. “She…she dared to strike my daughter, a heiress of the Santos resort! Someone call the police!”_

_“YOU…YOU WENCH!” Emilia screeched, charging at Angela and knocking her down. “YOU DON’T DESERVE HIM! YOU DON’T DESERVE HIM!”_

_Angela and Emilia screamed and fought like wildcats, rolling across the floor as they forgot everything but beating the stuffing out of each other in their blind rage._

The choreography wasn’t the best, but Perry was more interested in who would come out on top. It had to be Angela. It just had to be. 

Then Heinz blocked his view of the television, and Perry threw the final pillow at him. Heinz scowled, scooping up all the displaced pillows and dropping them on Perry. “I tolerated the first two times, but three is just too much!” he complained. “How do you like it when I turn the tables on you?” 

Perry held two pillows by the corners, narrowing his eyes at the challenge. 

* * *

She only wanted a soda. 

Vanessa sighed as she walked past Perry and her dad, fighting in the exact same way as the two women on the television. 

Secret agents were too easily impressionable. 


End file.
